Reality Turns Pages
She sees her life in the form of a book. A novel, really. A wonderful work of fiction. A beautiful disaster, as she calls it. As "innocent" bystanders turn her pages, they see scribbles and doodles. They see sketches and paintings. They see words. But what does it all mean?
A gust of wind comes and forces her story open to all who are willing to read. She knows she cannot trust them, but she has no choice. To protect herself she destroys her secrets. As the wind turns the pages, the readers wonder what has happened. Full pages have been torn out. Halves of pages have been burned. But why?
That is all she wants, you know. She wakes up every morning wishing that today she will be good enough. As the day goes on, she becomes a disappointment once again and goes to bed wishing that tomorrow will be the day: the day she'll be happy. Maybe even the day she will be able to make someone else happy and proud. Until that day she will continue to rip and burn the pages of her story; hiding her secrets from the world until someone comes along and breaks down her walls.
That would be almost impossible though. She can't break down those walls anymore. Cement and brick, she's built it so high only Rapunzel could help you over. Plus, she'll make you prove yourself and no one wants to stick around long enough to do that.
She's a hopeless romantic though: romantic, but lacking hope. On a good day she will go so far as to believe that someday she will find someone willing to try and willing to listen. On a bad day, she goes back to reality, wipes her tears, and realizes that although she has become a strong woman through her experiences, maybe she has become too strong, to the point that she is intimidating.
Maybe she just needs someone strong, someone who understands, someone with similar experiences. Or maybe she doesn't want to be reminded. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to forget. If she forgets then even she can believe that she is perfect. And if she believes that she is perfect, maybe she will be. And if she is perfect, she will make everyone proud and if everyone is proud then everyone will stay.
Now, if she could only figure out why it is so hard to forget. If she could only figure out why she never was and never is good enough and why these thoughts must haunt her daily.
She'll figure it out someday. Unfortunately, that day is not today. But her day will come nonetheless.
A gust of wind comes and forces her story open to all who are willing to read. She knows she cannot trust them, but she has no choice. To protect herself she destroys her secrets. As the wind turns the pages, the readers wonder what has happened. Full pages have been torn out. Halves of pages have been burned. But why?
Because she cannot trust. Because she cannot bear to be hurt again. Because she has been betrayed, lied to, and no longer knows what to believe. But most of all ... because she wants you to think she's perfect. She likes to believe that if she "erases" her mistakes and pretends they do not exist then they don't. She likes to believe that for as long as you see this half-empty story and believe her charade, you will believe she IS perfect. Maybe, just this once, if you think she's perfect then you won't leave. Maybe she can finally keep one. Maybe she can finally be enough.
That would be almost impossible though. She can't break down those walls anymore. Cement and brick, she's built it so high only Rapunzel could help you over. Plus, she'll make you prove yourself and no one wants to stick around long enough to do that.
She's a hopeless romantic though: romantic, but lacking hope. On a good day she will go so far as to believe that someday she will find someone willing to try and willing to listen. On a bad day, she goes back to reality, wipes her tears, and realizes that although she has become a strong woman through her experiences, maybe she has become too strong, to the point that she is intimidating.
Maybe she just needs someone strong, someone who understands, someone with similar experiences. Or maybe she doesn't want to be reminded. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to forget. If she forgets then even she can believe that she is perfect. And if she believes that she is perfect, maybe she will be. And if she is perfect, she will make everyone proud and if everyone is proud then everyone will stay.
Now, if she could only figure out why it is so hard to forget. If she could only figure out why she never was and never is good enough and why these thoughts must haunt her daily.
She'll figure it out someday. Unfortunately, that day is not today. But her day will come nonetheless.
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